Category Archives: Squashing Bugs

Alaska, Inspiration, Squashing Bugs

Don’t hold yourself back!

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Even though I am a professional driver, I always had one thing that I avoided like the plague. I hate backing trailers! I can back Blue into any place I need my truck to be. I even confidently maneuvered 40 ft transit busses when and wherever needed. I would refuse to take the utility trailer to the dump by myself because I would have to back it in and embarrass myself. I had fully convinced myself that I couldn’t do it.

That ends here and now!

Since last week I have been hauling gravel for work. They need several hundred yards of gravel to top the driveway and paths and to set up a new septic system. So they gave me a work truck and a dump trailer and told me to see how many trips I can make every day. The gravel pit is open from 7 to 5 and is 40 minutes away. So far 6 trips is as good as I can do. Several hundred yards…4.5 yards at a time. And every load requires me to back up a trailer.

Yesterday I dropped multiple loads in front of the lodge. They are all lined up next to each other nicely. Just seeing that and thinking “I did that!” makes me happy.

Then today I was told to switch product to prepare a septic system. They need 90 yards here by Friday to keep the project from being delayed. It’s a good thing they have a second driver running gravel too! We might just manage it. The challenge is to get backed in down a winding driveway without hitting anything, then down a ramp built to allow us to drop the load in the hole. But of course it was raining and the ground is soft under the rock. The truck need to be helped out each time.

This time last year I could not have done this work. I would not have been confident enough. I would have found a way to get out of it, or if I tried it I would have had a nervous breakdown and fallen apart. Not this year. This year I am ready to tackle some of the hard things and succeed. Watch out for next year! Maybe I’ll quit making excuses to avoid upgrading to the Class A CDL.

It’s easy to find reasons to avoid things that are hard. But in avoiding those things you miss out on that feeling of triumph when you succeed. Go for the hard things. Don’t listen to the voice in the back of your head that says you can’t. Don’t hold yourself back. Keep growing. Be the windshield. Squash the bugs.

Just don’t expect to hear that I’m turning into an ice road trucker any time soon. My confidence has yet to exceed my skill.

Alaska, Off-grid living, Squashing Bugs

Start fresh every day.

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The bright blue skies of June.

I’ve been stuck in a rut. I’ve started and deleted a couple of posts. I have a bunch of things I’d like to write about but the words just won’t take shape. It feels a little frustrating and I haven’t been able to force my way through the block. I’ll need to find a way around.

It has been a year since I left Oregon behind. Right now I feel like I am in the same position as I was when I arrived in Alaska. I don’t have reliable transportation. (Chris is working and uses my truck. The Scone is still not working.) The cabin is still on hold. (We should be able to pull the sawmill off the property today so we can get it repaired.) I’m not working regularly. (Okay, I’m scheduled for two days a week, but they’re having their own roadblocks so it feels like no progress there.) On top of all that, when I do work my feet and body end up hurting so bad that it takes all week to recover so I can do it again.

I came across someone’s quote yesterday, “Don’t be afraid of failure, be afraid of being in exactly the same place year after year.” And that’s where my mind is. I’m seeing all the ways that I am not making progress. I feel like I’m going backwards, especially with my physical condition. It doesn’t help that I had a cold knock me down for a couple of days this week.

Forgive my whining. I don’t like to do it, but sometimes it’s like sweeping up the dust from the floor and starting fresh. My brain generates all these negative thoughts and they collect like dust bunnies in the works. You can sweep them under the rug, but that doesn’t make them go away. Saying them out loud and acknowledging them seems to work better. Bring them out into the open and cancel them with reality, then they can be collected for the trash. There will be another batch soon enough. It’s best to not let them build up.

So how am I in a different place than I was last year?

I have done a lot of healing. I don’t have nearly as much bitterness in my soul as I did last June. I know myself a bit better. I know some more of what brings me joy and I have been learning how to allow myself to settle into that. It seems simple, but it’s harder than you might think.

The cabin is actually started. The beams are in place and it looks like they didn’t settle much during mud season. That’s good. All we need is a working sawmill and a couple of days and we can have our stack of lumber. Then it’s a matter of getting the framing done and the roof on. If we put the RV on site I can even do some of the work while Chris is in town. I really should see about getting some gravel down in the parking area…

I do have a job that I like, even though what’s available over the summer is kicking my butt. I know they want me to be available for when the season starts again in August. It’s good to know that I’m wanted.

I have also learned a lot over the winter. I learned about my abilities and limits. (I can do more than I thought I could.) I learned that I can live well with less. I know I want to share some of that. I just have to get around that imposter syndrome crap! Why does it feel fake if I’m doing it?

Tamarack, or Eastern Larch,is a deciduous conifer. The needles turn gold and shed in the fall,then grow back for summer.

Life runs in cycles. Every year follows a similar pattern to the year before. I guess the question is whether you are on a track going in circles or if you are in a spiral. If you’re just making your run deeper then I hope you like where you are. I’d rather be working my way up the spiral.

I think that’s enough for now. I’ll try to make more posts and fewer excuses. And I hope you will talk back to me. Ask questions. Tell me what you’re curious about. Some things about living here are slightly surreal, like having daylight all the time. That’s a post for later. For now I’ll leave you with some flower pics.

Lingnon berry flowers. They grow like a ground cover all through the forest, and are especially thick at the edges where they get the sun.
Wild current. I know someone who calls them high bush cranberries. Both these and lingnon berries taste very much like cranberries.
The wild roses are now in bloom.
Inspiration, Squashing Bugs

Doing should not be an art.

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I had a rather vivid dream just now. For some reason I was supposed to read a short paper about Andre Norton to a group of people pursuing some sort of PhD. The paper and the group were more concerned with the feminism of the topic than they were with the fact that Andre Norton wrote lots of fun stories. So instead of jumping in to read the paper I started out by talking about how much I had loved the stories. The group joined in, getting all excited about story as well. I’m not sure if I ever did read the paper in the dream. I do remember speculating that she used the pen name to distract from the unimportant fact of the author’s sex so that she could write what she wanted to and actually have it sell.

For those who are not familiar, Andre Norton was the pen name of a woman who wrote pulp science fiction and fantasy in the 1950s and 60s. I discovered her books in the library as a young teen and devoured them, checking some out more than once. The fact that they were written by a woman was never a big deal to me, I just cared about the story. I loved the worlds and ideas I found in her books. But I can understand that in the time people had expectations of what a category of person might be interested in or write. Even today you don’t expect men to write romances. It doesn’t surprise me that nobody expected good sci-fi/fantasy from a mere woman.

This post will not be a rant against gender expectations, toxic feminism, or masculinity. I have some strong opinions, but I feel like those are better discussed over coffee, face to face where we can process all the subtleties of human expression. It is hard to come to a true understanding through the screen.

What I really took from my dream is how she just did the thing. She wanted to write her way and she did it. She found a way to put her voice into the world and is remembered for the work as much or more than the method. She was a doer.

I have all kinds of things to say. I want to put my voice out into the world. I have a bunch of things I want to do. I just keep putting it off. I think it might be easier if I had a proper desk to use my laptop instead of typing on my phone. I want to research and outline instead of letting the words flow. I want to make it perfect. I want to reach some standard of…not perfection, but better than what I’ve been doing. Except that is all just a pile of excuses to not do.

I’m a little bit stuck. I know I’m fighting a battle where perfection is the enemy of the good. I’m fighting against the idea that I don’t know enough to have the right to talk about some subjects because I don’t want to be wrong. I’m also fighting myself every time I try to set a schedule. It’s ridiculous how much self sabotage a person can do. Forgive me if you actually want to read more about being prepared or how it’s going up here. This blog is teaching me about myself and I don’t know how much to share.

Doing should not be an art. You should just do the thing, at the appropriate time, to the best of your current ability. Sometimes you will look back and cringe. Sometimes you will look back and be surprised at how good it is. Doing is practice and with practice you will improve. Someday it will be easier.

This ends my little sermon to myself. To my audience of three: thank you for reading this. I don’t intend to go on these weird tangents very often, but I always enjoy being reminded that others are just people too. I hope you can get going and do big things.

Inspiration, Squashing Bugs

Midweek Bug Squisher

Do not wait for confidence in order to take action. Confidence comes from action taken.

Holy crap, what a truth.

It’s no secret to my friends that I’m a podcast junkie. My tastes have evolved over the years, but they’ve always tended toward inspiration. Lately I have been following ones that discuss financial freedom and the side hustle. The newest title on my list is Don’t Keep Your Day Job. She talks with people who find ways to thrive financially doing work that they’re passionate about. It’s about not following the beaten path, but finding ways around the gatekeepers.

Last night on my way home I listened to the Jan 2 episode with Jasmine Star. I might have to listen to it a second time because she spoke so fast and with such passion that I’m pretty sure I missed a lot. I sure didn’t miss that one. I had to write it down. It is something I already know. It is something that I encourage my own children to practice because I live this idea.

I like to learn new physical skills. I have learned concrete and drywall and paint. I have tried operating an excavator. I love driving my 40′ transit buses at work. I have tackled knitting, crochet and tatting. I have a king size quilt that I hand pieced and am hand quilting. Most of my FB or IG posts about my quilt were “I don’t know what I’m doing, but let me dive in and figure it out.”

I had such a mental barrier about website and blog. I knew I wanted to do this for years. I just didn’t find the right entry point, the right foothold. I think now I have. I’m not a camping expert and have never considered myself an outdoorsy person. In my mind those people own hiking boots and backpacks, showshoes, skis, and mountain bikes. I do have a lifetime of experience though. A few trips every summer add up. So talking about something that I love makes perfect sense. And the more I talk about it the more comfortable it gets.

This blog is a personal journey. The camping list is a vehicle to move me closer to where I want to be. I share because it forces me to change, move, and grow. Sharing is uncomfortable, but I am growing into it. For anybody who is bothering to read, thank you.

Here’s the URL for the podcast I listened to in case you want to check it out:

https://www.dontkeepyourdayjob.com/episodes/jasmine-star-returns

Inspiration, Squashing Bugs

Smashing Bugs

I didn’t have to do any back to school shopping this year. My boys are done with that part of their lives for now. But I have a notebook addiction that must be fed at least once a year. This year the notebook made a Dire Straits song run through my head. (Fun fact about me: The weirdest things will make me think about random songs. I have many favorite weird songs and an odd sense of humor.)

I decided this notebook is perfect for the collection of quotes and paraphrases I have been accumulating for the last few years. I listen to podcasts and audiobooks and sometimes someone says something that strikes me as inspirational so I note it down in my mini notebook with the thought that I’ll do “something” with it down the road. Now I think I have found my something.

To continue this unwieldy introduction…Last night I was thinking about this blog and my attempt at a website and the self-doubt rose up again. It’s ugly. I have these moments where I sit there and wonder why I am even trying. I wonder if it is even worth the effort. I resent having to get up or think of what I should write. I wonder if confessing my doubts and weakness will make me look unstable or unprofessional to anyone who might find these ramblings. Then I whisper to myself…shut up, NOBODY IS READING THIS!!! This is why I collected all of those quotes.

Self-doubt is a nasty little bug. Worse than a spider, it hides in the darkness and skitters around the edges of your consciousness, eating away at what might fuel your success. It must be squashed! So all of my quotes are bug smashers. They are there to help me squash the self-doubt, the depression, the anxiety, anything that can keep me from moving forward. I will use them like weapons. I will share them freely and what they mean to me. Sadly, I have no idea who said most of them and I apologize for not having proper attribution. Some of them are not even direct quotes, but are amalgamations of the discussion in whatever podcast I was listening to. At some point I might even share some of my favorite sources of inspiration. But now let me choose today’s bug smasher…

It’s not about working towards the end of the tunnel. It’s about making sure the tunnel is always lit.

Hope. Journey over destination. Peace with where you are despite moving forward…

I am lighting my tunnel. Every day that I show up to write, regardless of whoever is or is not reading is lighting my own tunnel. It has been pretty dark for quite a while. I have tried to light lamps that have fizzled, so I have focused on that end of the tunnel without knowing if I could even get there. It’s time to focus on where I am instead of just where I could be. Let me improve me so I can move forward more efficiently. Maybe that will bring the tunnel to an end faster, or maybe I will find that the tunnel is a figment of my imagination after all and I am already out in the real world with a thousand paths waiting for me to choose from. Let me squash the bug of hopelessness.