I’m tired but not sleeping right. I’m a bit cranky. I’m in a holding pattern with a bunch of stuff that needs to be done and no energy or focus to get it done. My brain is stuck in the nebulous future and the present is slipping by.
Last year I bought a property in Alaska. It’s 23 acres on a hill about 25 miles south of Fairbanks. I have some friends up there who are excited to have me as an almost-neighbor. My place is about 15 miles away from theirs so I guess that counts as being neighbors.
When I was considering the purchase I put together a 5 year plan for it. I want this property to be an active asset. I would like it to bring income for me. So year 1 was buy the land and build a driveway to access it. That was accomplished by September 2019. Yay! Year 2 is build a cabin to live in and a cabin to rent. This is where I am. The season for building up there is now so I have a plane ticket to be up there in a week. I’m excited and freaked out!
I have a project here that I’m stalled out on. I have a load of old concrete to dump and two loads of trash to haul out. I don’t know how much I can leave for my boys to be responsible for. And I kinda want to pack my bedroom up before I leave so someone can use it…Or not? There’s so much up in the air still. Plus I’m still the transportation for my mom and her doctors appointments. It’s a lot.
It’s time to make a list. And a schedule. Organizing helps. I’ve been through this kind of mental overload before. Usually it’s because I’m doing new things and the uncertainty gets to me. I’m sure that in a couple of weeks I’ll be fine.
As part of a stress reduction plan I’m slowly abandoning major social media. I might be babbling into the void here with no one listening, but I hope that as I move forward with this adventure I can tell a story interesting enough to be worth following. I just don’t want to have to pay for the attention. If you resonate with anything I write, please respond or share it.
I might have mentioned that since I’m not working lately I have been doing a lot of yardwork. For the last two weeks my biggest focus has been the nightmare of a firepit terrace. See, somebody about 15 or more years ago got a brilliant idea to reuse chunks of broken driveway to make a terrace. It’s a great idea in theory, but the way they did it was awful. There were gaps to swallow chair legs and it was uneven enough to trip over. I’ve put up with it for 8 years and I decided that I was going to tackle it. Pry slabs loose, break them up, shovel out the sod between. It’s not easy work and I’ve been going slow but steady.
A week ago a friend volunteered her husband for a couple of mornings. His work was on pause and he was going stir crazy. We spent one morning prying up the slabs and got farther than I expected. The next day he put treads on my deck stairs. They’d been out of commission for an embarrassing amount of time and we had been using a less than ideal path down to the lawn. But with a couple of hours of work he had the top half put back together. Yay! Now I have easy access to the lawn from upstairs.
So Tuesday of last week I got as far as setting up a row of blocks to mark the edge of the terrace. I put in probably five hours of hard labor moving heavy things by hand. I took Wednesday easy to make sure I didn’t hurt myself. Thursday morning I got ready to work hard again. I put my boots on by the back door on the deck and went to use my newly useable stairs. The top half was fine. Then I got to the bottom half where there are still the old wood deck boards. Wood stairs that haven’t been used in almost two years… If you’ve ever lived in a damp climate you know exactly where this is going. Wood that sits for any time ends up getting coated with a sludge that isn’t quite moss, mildew, or mud, but is as slick as snot.
I took one step onto the first stair and the next thing I knew my feet weren’t under me. I landed on my tailbone and bumped down a few steps until my heels dug in at the bottom landing. Ow! It didn’t hurt much at first, but my mobility was suddenly severely limited. I could hardly bend over to pick things up from the ground. But I have found that if I don’t keep moving I will freeze up.
I got the hose and a wire brush and scrubbed those steps to within an inch of their life. I managed to mow part of the lawn. Ow! I didn’t want to sit. Reaching for anything that takes me out of center hurt. And every time I hurt it made me laugh. Ibuprofen didn’t help much. An ice pack helped a little. But what did the most was time.
It’s been a week. It hasn’t been a fun week. I’ve been restless and cranky and hardly got anything done. I gave myself a deadline of May 30 to have this terrace cleared and some sort of firepit functional. Lounging around wasn’t getting anything done. I hate feeling like I can’t get things done. It does bad things to my mental health. But yesterday I got moving again.
I got my boys to come out with me. The middle one just needed the incentive of driving my truck to bring the trailer down. I am horrible at backing trailers while he has a natural instinct for it. We got it parked and started throwing chunks on it. Now it’s piled high enough that I’m worried about it being overweight. We might have to throw half of it off before we take it on the road.
I often start projects only to run into the most ridiculous roadblocks. All I know how to do is to keep trying. It often feels like I’m going too slow if not backwards. But when I pause and look around I can see that I’m not doing as bad as it feels. Baby steps might not be fast, but if you take those tiny steps for long enough you might be surprised how far you can get. And don’t hesitate to slow down if the situation calls for it. Allowing yourself to recover means you can do more the next time you push. Just don’t let the momentum completely disappear.
I have a duck in one tub and a dog in the other. And there’s a story behind it.
Last time we bought poultry feed we decided to try a cheaper brand. It saved us almost $20 for a month of feed, but it seems to have caused problems for the ducks. Almost two weeks ago a duck had to be brought in for treatment of a prolapsed vent. She got all bound up and tried to eject her innerds. Professor Google provided answers and she got to have daily Epsom salt baths and Preparation H applied to encourage healing. This morning she got released back to the pen, but another one seems to be starting the same problem. We need two people to catch the duck because they are slippery suckers.
Well, the ducks share a pen with the turkeys. The turkeys don’t like anyone messing with their pen or their ducks. They need to go out on grass anyway so we herded the turkeys out of the pen and down to the pond pasture. The goats were at the gate, but the leaf-rake-of-doom kept them far enough back so we could shove turkeys through one at a time.
Then we noticed that one goat had grown too big for his collar. I don’t know how it came on so quickly, but he looked like he was choking and gasping for air. That needed to be dealt with immediately. But he didn’t want to be caught. The other goats were eager to run in defense of him to keep us away. We had a merry chase around the pond and back and forth across the creek. We were getting nowhere and he just got more stressed.
Here’s a word of advice: don’t bother chasing goats to catch them. It works for poultry, but goats are stubborn and smart. They will always escape if you chase. It’s better to lure them in. A coffee can of COB (AKA goat crack) properly applied will get them to do almost anything you want.
So we had a can of goat crack. We had the rake-of-doom and a long stick and a leash for just in case. We got 4 of 5 goats to come and partake of treats. You can guess which one refused. We got 3 of 5 into the other pasture and closed the gate. So now we have the meekest goat (Ritz) and the distressed goat (Moo). They’re easier to manipulate on their own. I walked over to the roofed dog kennel they use as shelter and drop a pile of crack…COB. Ritzy meanders in, happy to have a chance at treats and Moo follows. I step in and close the door.
We aren’t supposed to use horns to manage goats, but they sure are handy. I caught him. My helper straddled and pinned him. I unhooked the collar… finally! Then we let him eat out of the coffee can so the entire encounter could be associated with treats instead of terror. I might have made a mistake in not working with this goat much. He needs to be better socialized to humans.
Okay, the goat is dealt with, the turkeys are hanging out with them and intimidating them while wrestling each other. Meanwhile the dog has been gleefully running in circles, unable to decide if he’s going to “help” us wrangle goats, chase rabbits, or roll in all the smells he usually doesn’t have access to. Guess what he did.
Back to the duck pen. We got the ducks cornered and pulled out the ailing one. Got back to the house and I started filling the tub with water and Epsom salt. The dog followed me in and boy did he smell foul! The minute that duck was settled in her bath I took the dog to the other bathroom to get him cleaned up.
There is something about manure that is irresistible to dogs. Especially male dogs. Most baths given to dogs in this house happen after they have found their way into a pasture and come back crusted in stink. It’s like a 13 year old boy that believes the Axe commercials. Except we all know that repulses rather than attracts.
I got the dog clean. I even finished off with a dab of the boys Old Spice body wash around his neck. We’ll see how he likes that smell. The duck has gotten her treatment and is in the hospital cage for observation. The bathrooms are clean-ish and the used towels in the washer. Let the day go back to the sleepy rainy Saturday we had intended to have.
I have been in a strange place the last week or two. I know I left Trimet at the right time. I know I couldn’t have gone back and driven the bus with the attitude and mindset necessary to handle the people anymore, especially as we all moved into pandemic mode. But not working has not been easy. I like having an externally imposed structure to my life. I have a hard time finding my own structure. I need to get better at it. So being at loose ends is an interesting experience.
Like I wrote earlier, I’ve been trying to get my landscaping under control. But for the last week I’ve truly been stuck at home because my truck is in the shop. Driving up to my parents house every weekend for a month made me more aware than ever that the steering wasn’t behaving right. The last trip home I was pulling their minivan on a tow dolly and it was nerve-wracking how much I was wandering in the lane. My brother was following me, going crazy because I didn’t feel safe at full freeway speed and he felt like he was crawling.
It turns out I needed far more than just an alignment. There was a lot of delayed maintenance to catch up on. The shocks were worn out. The steering tie rods were worn. The gears in the steering box were worn out to the point that they were allowing the steering to wander. The brakes were ready to be replaced again. The seals on the rear hubs were leaking grease onto the parking brakes. And I needed an oil change. My savings account is not going to be happy. But this is why I have a savings account. I don’t need to go into debt to make sure I’m safe on the road.
So here I sit at home. I have time to wait. I have time to figure out how I’m going to replace this chunk of money back into my savings account. I ended up putting in an application to a business apprenticeship program I’ve been intrigued by for a couple of years. An answer came back today and I am scheduled for a video interview. So now I will be stretching my tech skills as well as challenging my time skills. I’ve had a month without income. It’s enough to know I’m not comfortable letting this continue.
With this program I hope to gain skills that are needed but that I currently lack. I can fake competence pretty well, especially since I’m not too proud to ask for help when I get in too deep. But I’m happier when I don’t have to fake it. Maybe this time next year I’ll be a marketing whiz at some small company. It’s an exciting thought, and it puts me a step closer to feeling able to manage a business of my own.
Right now I’m in wait mode. I’m waiting for the call to hear that my truck is ready and how much it’ll be. I’m waiting for the interview to find out if I’ll be able to continue down that path. I’m still waiting to hear what’s happening with the tour bus job! I’m keeping busy at home and still decompressing from Trimet. It’s okay.
(Have I mentioned how delighted I am to not be dealing with the bus in pandemic mode? Delighted, I say! And I do hope my former co-workers make it through with their health and sanity intact.)
It’s been a while. A lot has happened and not much of it has gone according to plan. To tell the story properly I’llhave to rewind to the end of February.
February 10th I had gallbladder surgery. What a pain! But it was worth it. I took about two weeks off work to recover. I didn’t want to go back, but money is necessary to life and we get it by selling our time and energy. But while I was off I spent time on the job sites. And I found something that I felt would work. I applied, interviewed, and accepted a job as a tour bus driver in Hoonah, Alaska. You know, for the cruise ship passengers. I’m sure you can already see where this is going.
I went back to work on March 3. It was the first day of my spring sign up that I would work less than a month of. My new job would start April 6 and I planned to make Mar 27 my last day at Trimet. Except my plans didn’t work that way. I got a call from my mom on the 6th. She was sick and in pain and couldn’t figure out how to get to the doctor. Eventually she called for the medics who took her to the emergency room where she was treated for weeping edema and cellulitis. They missed the development of some ugly ulcers on her heels, although that may have come later. I had a quick conversation with various family and we decided that they could no longer be on their own, 2 1/2 hours away from the rest of us. I sent my son and a close family friend to pack their bags and bring them to my house where we could make sure they got the care they needed.
They arrived at my house Mar 7 when I was on my way to work. I spent the day being reminded by passengers just why I needed to leave Trimet. Yes, I know it’s about mindset, but I didn’t have it anymore and I wanted to walk away in the first round trip. I made it through all three.
Sunday we had a family meeting to discuss plans and needs. Sunday night my dad’s blood sugar crashed down to 30. We had to call the paramedics who gave him a glucose IV and got him stable. We made a plan to make sure we could keep on top of his sugars and meals and everyone in the house got on board.
Monday I spent 4 hours on the phone with a customer service representative from their insurance company, looking for a doctor’s office down here that would take new patients so we could keep up with their health needs. Apparently records Providence sends them aren’t maintained very well because there were doctors on their list that when she called the office they were like who? Nobody by that name had been there in years. While I was sitting on hold my dad was napping on the couch. At some point I realized that something didn’t look right and my insurance rep had to transfer me to 911. He didn’t wake up from his nap.
James Terry died on March 9, 2020. He was 77 years old. He left behind his wife of 50 years, three children, four grandsons, and a lot of memories. Also a lot of stuff. I haven’t written a proper obituary yet. We haven’t had a proper memorial service either because everything is shut down due to the virus pandemic. We have been making weekly trips up to their house to get what my mom needs, any family paperwork and photos, and any items of value that can be sold to give my mom a bit more funds. We could stay there for a month and still not be done. The key gets turned over on Friday regardless. I haven’t been back to work since all this started.
I used funeral leave. Then I took 2 weeks family leave to take care of my mom. I decided I would stick to my plan of March 27 being my last day. My tour bus job is still on hold until probably mid June. I have savings for this reason. I’m feeling the lack of income but there’s no panic. I am thinking out a plan for what I can achieve at home with no money. So far it’s landscaping.
I mowed the lawn. I’ve scuffle hoed the beds where I can. I’ve worked out a deal with the string trimmer where it doesn’t make me rewind it more than 3 times per tank of gas and I don’t burn it. I’ve trimmed grass in places we thought we might never see again. I’ve started seeds. We might have flowers this year! I miss gardening and flowers.
So my life hasn’t been all about doctors appointments and sorting through a hoarders paradise. I’ve been productive in other ways and I have the body aches to prove it. I could really use a massage right now. Too bad this virus shut it all down.
I am on the verge of something that could be a mistake or could be the best decision of my life. At this point I’m not entirely sure.
For the last two years I have said that I need to leave my job. Driving for Trimet has provided well for my family. It is hard to match the pay. The health insurance has taken good care of me. But the job itself is abusive. I hurt at the end of every day. If I have trouble or complaints from passengers it is somehow always my fault for not handling it right. Even when I report a bus for leaking exhaust I get treated like I’m imagining it. Their buses are just fine! I’ve done it for 14 years now and I’m tired. I’ve been preparing to leave for a while now. I think it’s time.
So I spent the last 6 months cruising job sites to see what’s out there. I bought a property near Fairbanks a year ago. I’ve talked with my kids to prepare them for if I leave. They’re old enough to manage the house here in Oregon. And now I have an email with a job offer, waiting for me to sign.
So this job is just seasonal. It is driving tour bus for cruise ship passengers on the inside passage of Alaska. The starting pay will be about half of my current job. I can get that bumped up if I complete extra training, and there may be tips involved. I can still back out, but I don’t want to. This isn’t the leap I thought I would make, but it is a stepping stone. It’ll be difficult, but I think I can make it work.
I have spent my life seeking stability. Especially for the last eight years I have hidden in the familiar, kept my head down, and just did what I had to do to get through one day at a time, one hour at a time. Now that is no longer enough. I will not go crazy with freedom, abandoning all that is familiar. I will step out into the world to see what more it holds for me. I have done my most basic duty. My boys are functional adults that can take care of themselves. Now I get to take care of me. At the same time I can show them how big the world is and that they don’t need to get trapped by duty and comfort.
That’s what is running through my head this morning. I need to get up and start my day. I have papers to sign and an appointment to go to. I have a life to change. Let’s hope it’s for the better.
Who wants to go on an adventure without their best friend? Dogs can make camping and hiking more fun. What would a hike be without my Freddy to help pull me up the hills? Watching them explore and smell and get excited about every new thing…letting the kids run around with their dog and knowing that the dog won’t let anything bad happen to their kid… You know you would hate to leave the dog behind. But it does take some planning to make the experience a good one.
Dogs are all about their people. If you have dogs, you know this. They want to be where their people are. But I will put one thought out there that some people don’t want to hear…Not every dog is appropriate for camping. I have had a friend join us who brought her dog. The dog was aggressive toward people and other dogs, nervous even with her person, and barked and cried all night in the tent. It was not a good experience for any of us, people or dogs. If you think your dog will be upset by going to a new place with new people you might want to make other arrangements for the dog while you are gone.
The first time out will still be very exciting for everyone. Routines are interrupted. Things can slip your mind. Your dog can slip its collar. Do make sure you have a collar or harness for your dog. Make sure you have tags with your name and contact info on your dog. Even better, make sure your dog is microchipped. our favorite dog was stolen from our front yard and was missing for 18 months, but when he was recovered clear across town his microchip led to a phone call and he came home. (Love our Bruno!) Leashes are a necessity. The kids don’t get to take the pup anywhere without one that they hold on to! Because you are in an unfamiliar environment your dog might not know what is a real threat and what is not. It’s best to make sure you can control the situation as much as possible.
A tie out can be as simple as a rope tied between trees, between your car and the picnic table, or anchored anywhere that allows your dog to be close to you without risk of tangling up with trouble. I like to use a cable tie out with clips on both ends and thread it through the loop of a 4′ nylon leash. I have put two dogs together on a single tie out, but it works better if they can have space to not tangle their leashes.
Bring your dog’s regular food. Measure out enough for the days you will be gone. I usually put it into a grocery bag, but be careful about leaving it out. Chipmunks and Jays like to steal dog food and can be surprisingly aggressive! It does make for good photo ops…but remember you are feeding your dog, not the local wildlife. Don’t forget to leave out water for whenever your dog is thirsty!
I would not recommend bringing a lot of dog toys. There are always sticks and such to chew and play fetch. Too many toys are too easy to misplace. I would probably limit dog toys to a good chewy and a floating toy if there is a lake. Our Bruno hated water at first, until he discovered that we could throw his toy into the lake for him to swim out to fetch over and over and over and over again. We finally had to put him in timeout because he was so exhausted we were worried he might not make it back out of the lake if we threw it again. He still wanted more.
Crates… Everyone will have a different opinion on crates. I have found them to be useful. Our two older dogs came to us as puppies and we trained them in the same crate. I know that is not recommended, but it worked for us and them. I do like to bring a crate along. It makes a good place for them to relax where I know they are safe. I can put the crate in the tent overnight if I don’t want them on my bedding. I like to put something in there that is familiar to help calm them. Of course make sure they aren’t stuck in the sun to overheat and that they have water available while they are in there.
And finally, absolutely make sure to pick up after your pet. If you would hate to have it show up on your lawn or front porch, don’t leave it out for your camping neighbors. These days many campgrounds provide waste bags in case you forgot to bring your own. Be sure to have one or two available on every walk and teach your kids this important part of responsible pet ownership.
I think that does it for camping with pets. As always, feel free to comment if you feel like you can add something I forgot.
Just have to get this out of the way. I need to clear the air in my own head. I don’t want to pretend that life is perfect and good while I marinate in misery. Plus, the moment I take the convoluted thoughts from my brain and let them sit in the open I can see them for what they are: mostly inflated nonsense.
Yesterday flew by in a blur. I don’t remember what I did for most of the day. I spent most of the time in my head. Coffee may have been involved. Conversation with a couple of friends also came into play. I ended up making a move and I don’t yet know if I will get a result. But simply taking action is a huge thing for me.
Ugh. I said angst. I feel like I’m being ridiculously dramatic! It’s so adolescent to make everything mean so much when it doesn’t. And now I wonder how much sense any of this makes to anyone who doesn’t know what’s in my head.
I’m an Oregonian. All my life. Until a couple of years ago I could not imagine wanting to live anywhere else. I have a property outside of Portland that I love and have amazing plans for. But something changed. I realized that I can only keep the property I love by staying in the job I don’t love. And there are things about my state that are changing in ways that I don’t want. So I changed my mindset. A year ago I visited a friend who lives in Alaska and found a very different lifestyle that speaks to my soul. Since then I have been trying to figure out how to make it all work for me to get up there. I bought a property up there. I have a 5 year plan outlined. I’m looking to fill in the details. I’m looking for courage to make a leap. I’m looking for a job that will pay me enough to live up there and fill in the gaps of what my kids can afford in rent on the house in Oregon.
It doesn’t sound like angst when I explain it simply. My brain gets wound up though and infuses it all with doubt. I don’t know if I’m physically strong enough to do the jobs I’m looking at. I don’t know if I have focus. I doubt my ability to handle my money. I worry that my health will fail. I think about all the things that could go wrong. It’s hard to hold on to what can go right.
Here’s what I know:
I have friends up there to back me up physically and emotionally.
I have people in place here that can take care of the house in Oregon.
I have knowledge and experience beyond what I can show evidence for on paper.
My Oregon property is worth nearly double what I owe on it so it is a good asset.
My Alaska property is all mine. I owe nothing on it and can turn it into a money maker with a couple of simple cabins.
If I get a job that doesn’t match my current income I can still supplement that income with side jobs if I arrange things right. I might evem be able to exceed my current income overall and be happier doing it.
I have people up there who can teach me things I need to know instead of having to go to classes down here.
In short, the only reason not to take the leap right now is because of fear. I have been in a stable, well paying job for so long that I am terrified to step away from it. But I have compared this job to an abusive relationship for many years now. It’s time to figure out how to cut my way out and tie up the loose ends.
I put in an application last night. I don’t know if it will bear fruit. I might have to try a few more times. Let me prepare myself by saying that the first couple of jobs I do interview for might not be right. But at some point something will happen. I’m not going to give up. Sometime this year I am going to be writing a blog post from the porch of my cabin in Alaska. I will be laughing about how much I stressed over the idea of looking at jobs. I’ll be saying how much peace I have in my soul. I’ll be working to live, not living to work.
On another note, I have a couple more posts for the camping list. I’d like to finish that series in the next week. I have a couple more ideas for other series that have been simmering on the back burner. I’ll probably have to do another emotion dump or two as I work my way through this transition. I hope to get on some sort of regular posting schedule, but we’ll see what shape that will take. I’m trying to reinvent myself here. Nothing is predictable.
Yeah, I’ve been silent for a while. I’m sure nobody noticed since nobody reads this. But I noticed. I have felt the pull to post. I don’t know why I haven’t. So frustrating! I feel like I’m fighting a battle with another me in the back of my head that wants to sabotage all progress just to play it safe.
Well, I’ve made some progress in real life. Nothing big, unless you count Lasik to ditch the glasses I’ve worn since I was 9. I also went in to have my gallbladder removed a couple days ago. That isn’t as easy to recover from as the vision adjustment. But if I never have another attack it’s worth it!
I have taken medical leave so I don’t have to drive while I heal. That would be a nightmare! I would be so sore and bad tempered that I’d get nothing but complaints. It’s bad enough managing my reaction to my pack of dogs who all want to poke my belly with their noses. Sniffing is one thing, but it shouldn’t be a full contact sport! Fortunately none of them have stepped on me yet.
I am taking advantage of this down time to scroll through job sites. And here is my biggest dilemma: I have plenty of experience and competence with the job I have, but not enough experience or education for any other jobs I might want. I have 14 years of bus driving, but when I search for class B CDL jobs over half of the listings are really for class A. I can look for customer service jobs, but either they want a bachelor’s degree in something or it’s entry level phone work. I can’t easily replace my income from what I can see. This means that I either need some education or that I need to be some version of entrepreneurial. Education means leaving the steady income with no guarantees. It’s terrifying for someone like me who clings to stability.
So ultimately, do I enroll in training to get my class A or do I go with the apprenticeship that might have me move to another city for a while? Or do I apply for the rotational position that would get me to Alaska and almost match my current income? Can the rest of the household function without me? I’ve tried to train them and set up systems and expectations. It should be possible. Any other person might laugh at the drama swings that go on in my head. They are keeping me off balance.
Okay, now I’ve unloaded my angst on a non-existent audience. I’ve shouted it out to my own echo chamber. I need to sort through it and make some decisions. This is the best time after all. I won’t get this much down time again any time soon. I’d better keep digging and take advantage of it.
It is easy to forget about tools until you need them. I have spent enough time trying to pound tent stakes into the ground with a rock to know that I need to keep a hammer in my camping bin.
Duct tape is useful for so many things. From fixing a damaged tent pole to securing a bandage on a wound, it is invaluable. I can promise that rope is equally useful.
The Survival Knife is something that surprised me with its usefulness. I guess that I should have known, but I thought it’s just a knife. I probably have only started to understand the uses, but the first time we forgot the hatchet and my son pulled out his knife to split kindling my eyes were opened. These things are great.
I’m sure everyone will have their own list of tools to add. A car tool kit is something that everyone should have. Ever try repairing the brakes 80 miles into the backwoods? Experience will teach you what you want to keep with you, but if you have anything worth adding, feel free to tell me.