I am on the verge of something that could be a mistake or could be the best decision of my life. At this point I’m not entirely sure.

For the last two years I have said that I need to leave my job. Driving for Trimet has provided well for my family. It is hard to match the pay. The health insurance has taken good care of me. But the job itself is abusive. I hurt at the end of every day. If I have trouble or complaints from passengers it is somehow always my fault for not handling it right. Even when I report a bus for leaking exhaust I get treated like I’m imagining it. Their buses are just fine! I’ve done it for 14 years now and I’m tired. I’ve been preparing to leave for a while now. I think it’s time.

So I spent the last 6 months cruising job sites to see what’s out there. I bought a property near Fairbanks a year ago. I’ve talked with my kids to prepare them for if I leave. They’re old enough to manage the house here in Oregon. And now I have an email with a job offer, waiting for me to sign.

So this job is just seasonal. It is driving tour bus for cruise ship passengers on the inside passage of Alaska. The starting pay will be about half of my current job. I can get that bumped up if I complete extra training, and there may be tips involved. I can still back out, but I don’t want to. This isn’t the leap I thought I would make, but it is a stepping stone. It’ll be difficult, but I think I can make it work.

I have spent my life seeking stability. Especially for the last eight years I have hidden in the familiar, kept my head down, and just did what I had to do to get through one day at a time, one hour at a time. Now that is no longer enough. I will not go crazy with freedom, abandoning all that is familiar. I will step out into the world to see what more it holds for me. I have done my most basic duty. My boys are functional adults that can take care of themselves. Now I get to take care of me. At the same time I can show them how big the world is and that they don’t need to get trapped by duty and comfort.

That’s what is running through my head this morning. I need to get up and start my day. I have papers to sign and an appointment to go to. I have a life to change. Let’s hope it’s for the better.