According to my Sunday post I was supposed to talk about health/fitness yesterday. Instead of talking I ended up doing. And since my focus was renewing my DOT medical card that bleeds into the subject of work. So I guess today I will discuss both.

For the longest time work was my biggest focus in life. Make enough money to be sure that the family has a roof over their heads, good food on the table, power and water paid for, clothing and transportation taken care of, etc. Work is how you take care of your family. Work is how you show your value to the world. Work is how you define yourself…it gives a major part of your identity. That’s how I lived and I’m not sorry for it, but now I feel like I missed something big.

I’m watching my parents’ health decline. We are trying to plan a party to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, but we wonder if my dad is going to make it even another month. He has been struggling with blood sugars and edema and heart troubles for nearly a decade. He doesn’t have the energy to work on his projects or fix the car. Replacing the battery in one of their vehicles is almost too much for him to manage these days. Any time he tries and fails I can see the light leave his eyes. He defined himself by his ability to work to maintain himself and his family and now that has been torn from him by poor health. This is no way to live.

Seven years ago my husband was taken by a heart attack. It was sudden. There was no long decline. He was just gone too young. Sometimes, thinking about it I feel like that was the kindest way. I can’t imagine if he was weakened and lingering, unable to do his projects or keep up his house. I would have figured out how to manage, but between the two of us I was never the one that made things happen. I don’t know if he would have been able to redefine himself to live life his way again. Loss of health and vitality is still a great loss.

I’ve started out on a depressing note. I have my reasons, and they can be demonstrated by a story I often share. My grandmother had her first hip replacement in 1956. I believe that was in the early days of joint replacements. The story I heard was that her doctors were surprised that she was even able to continue walking up to the surgery. There was no cartilage left in the joint, leaving it to grind bone on bone with every movement. That joint replacement had to be redone a couple of times as it wore out over the years. She kept moving. She gardened and cleaned her house. She used crutches or a walker, but she walked the dog several times a day. In 1996 she still maintained a spotless house and flowers by the porch. Only in the last year of her life did she slow down and that probably sped up the end. By comparison, my mother has struggled with walking for decades. Her lower back hurts her and the recliner calls it’s siren song. Now she can barely get out the front door before needing to rest. I see the difference and I have a choice.

Five years ago I had a foot surgery. There were a couple of joints with no cartilage left, grinding bone on bone when I walked. So they did a fusion. I was off work for seven months as I healed. I went to the gym every single week. I remembered my grandmother and I choose to follow her example. My body is the only one I will ever have. If I stop moving I will lose the ability to move. If I mistreat my body in the name of work the damage may be irreparable. I do not want to be defined by ill health. I do not want to be stolen away from my family before I get to see what they make in this world. Caring for my health must begin to define me.

My job right now is to drive a transit bus. I am behind the wheel whether at work or on my commute for nearly 12 hours a day. This is damaging my back. I can fight the damage with exercise, I know this. Often I allow my exercise to take place a s physical labor on my property. Crushing blackberry thickets takes strength, balance, and agility that few gym workouts could reproduce. But I know I need to find more. I need to figure out a food schedule that will care for my needs without putting things out of balance. And lastly, I need to change the way I produce an income. I need to find a job that can give me the income I need to maintain my life plus the extra I want to put away for an uncertain future. I have been exploring options in all of those areas, but nothing has borne fruit yet. I’m almost afraid to share my ideas for fear of jinxing myself, but if I don’t put them down here I have nothing to hold myself accountable to.

For food, I have been focusing on proteins in the mornings, leaving anything rich in carbohydrates for later in the day. This seems to keep my appetite quiet, which makes sense as I learn how sugars affect the insulin cycle which affects hunger and appetite. I am also intrigued by intermittent fasting, but have not yet figured out how to fit that into my routine.

For exercise, aside from working on my property and walking on breaks I have let this mostly fall by the wayside. I have made little progress and I can feel the effects. In the past, I really enjoyed a tai chi class. It made a major difference in my back pain, but it is not easy to get out the door before 7am to make the class. I know that’s an excuse. I hate using it. But it is also true. I have also lately come across the idea of strength training. I have wanted to do something like that for a long time, but didn’t know what to ask for. Setting up a home gym would be a tricky thing and cost nearly $2000 but it has it’s own appeal. I am still in a holding pattern on this and just need to kick myself into motion on something. I’ll ponder it.

Finally, for my job. I went to see a career counselor last week. I am set to meet with him for another six sessions as he tries to help me sort out who I am, what I want, and how to get it. I will be happy if I come out of this knowing how to make a resume and what a cover letter is supposed to be. I have a feeling that I will be pushed in unexpected ways by the experience. I might find parts of myself that I thought I had lost or abandoned along the way. I might find out that I really have been myself the whole time.

I don’t know quite how to end this. I know health is important to me. I know that work affects health. I know that I am fighting to have the best in all of this, if I can only figure out what that means. I am floundering on a lot of things, but I am trying.

If you keep moving, you won’t lose the ability to move.