Just have to get this out of the way. I need to clear the air in my own head. I don’t want to pretend that life is perfect and good while I marinate in misery. Plus, the moment I take the convoluted thoughts from my brain and let them sit in the open I can see them for what they are: mostly inflated nonsense.

Yesterday flew by in a blur. I don’t remember what I did for most of the day. I spent most of the time in my head. Coffee may have been involved. Conversation with a couple of friends also came into play. I ended up making a move and I don’t yet know if I will get a result. But simply taking action is a huge thing for me.

Ugh. I said angst. I feel like I’m being ridiculously dramatic! It’s so adolescent to make everything mean so much when it doesn’t. And now I wonder how much sense any of this makes to anyone who doesn’t know what’s in my head.

I’m an Oregonian. All my life. Until a couple of years ago I could not imagine wanting to live anywhere else. I have a property outside of Portland that I love and have amazing plans for. But something changed. I realized that I can only keep the property I love by staying in the job I don’t love. And there are things about my state that are changing in ways that I don’t want. So I changed my mindset. A year ago I visited a friend who lives in Alaska and found a very different lifestyle that speaks to my soul. Since then I have been trying to figure out how to make it all work for me to get up there. I bought a property up there. I have a 5 year plan outlined. I’m looking to fill in the details. I’m looking for courage to make a leap. I’m looking for a job that will pay me enough to live up there and fill in the gaps of what my kids can afford in rent on the house in Oregon.

It doesn’t sound like angst when I explain it simply. My brain gets wound up though and infuses it all with doubt. I don’t know if I’m physically strong enough to do the jobs I’m looking at. I don’t know if I have focus. I doubt my ability to handle my money. I worry that my health will fail. I think about all the things that could go wrong. It’s hard to hold on to what can go right.

Here’s what I know:

• I have friends up there to back me up physically and emotionally.
• I have people in place here that can take care of the house in Oregon.
• I have knowledge and experience beyond what I can show evidence for on paper.
• My Oregon property is worth nearly double what I owe on it so it is a good asset.
• My Alaska property is all mine. I owe nothing on it and can turn it into a money maker with a couple of simple cabins.
• If I get a job that doesn’t match my current income I can still supplement that income with side jobs if I arrange things right. I might evem be able to exceed my current income overall and be happier doing it.
• I have people up there who can teach me things I need to know instead of having to go to classes down here.

In short, the only reason not to take the leap right now is because of fear. I have been in a stable, well paying job for so long that I am terrified to step away from it. But I have compared this job to an abusive relationship for many years now. It’s time to figure out how to cut my way out and tie up the loose ends.

I put in an application last night. I don’t know if it will bear fruit. I might have to try a few more times. Let me prepare myself by saying that the first couple of jobs I do interview for might not be right. But at some point something will happen. I’m not going to give up. Sometime this year I am going to be writing a blog post from the porch of my cabin in Alaska. I will be laughing about how much I stressed over the idea of looking at jobs. I’ll be saying how much peace I have in my soul. I’ll be working to live, not living to work.

On another note, I have a couple more posts for the camping list. I’d like to finish that series in the next week. I have a couple more ideas for other series that have been simmering on the back burner. I’ll probably have to do another emotion dump or two as I work my way through this transition. I hope to get on some sort of regular posting schedule, but we’ll see what shape that will take. I’m trying to reinvent myself here. Nothing is predictable.