I didn’t have to do any back to school shopping this year. My boys are done with that part of their lives for now. But I have a notebook addiction that must be fed at least once a year. This year the notebook made a Dire Straits song run through my head. (Fun fact about me: The weirdest things will make me think about random songs. I have many favorite weird songs and an odd sense of humor.)
I decided this notebook is perfect for the collection of quotes and paraphrases I have been accumulating for the last few years. I listen to podcasts and audiobooks and sometimes someone says something that strikes me as inspirational so I note it down in my mini notebook with the thought that I’ll do “something” with it down the road. Now I think I have found my something.
To continue this unwieldy introduction…Last night I was thinking about this blog and my attempt at a website and the self-doubt rose up again. It’s ugly. I have these moments where I sit there and wonder why I am even trying. I wonder if it is even worth the effort. I resent having to get up or think of what I should write. I wonder if confessing my doubts and weakness will make me look unstable or unprofessional to anyone who might find these ramblings. Then I whisper to myself…shut up, NOBODY IS READING THIS!!! This is why I collected all of those quotes.
Self-doubt is a nasty little bug. Worse than a spider, it hides in the darkness and skitters around the edges of your consciousness, eating away at what might fuel your success. It must be squashed! So all of my quotes are bug smashers. They are there to help me squash the self-doubt, the depression, the anxiety, anything that can keep me from moving forward. I will use them like weapons. I will share them freely and what they mean to me. Sadly, I have no idea who said most of them and I apologize for not having proper attribution. Some of them are not even direct quotes, but are amalgamations of the discussion in whatever podcast I was listening to. At some point I might even share some of my favorite sources of inspiration. But now let me choose today’s bug smasher…
It’s not about working towards the end of the tunnel. It’s about making sure the tunnel is always lit.
Hope. Journey over destination. Peace with where you are despite moving forward…
I am lighting my tunnel. Every day that I show up to write, regardless of whoever is or is not reading is lighting my own tunnel. It has been pretty dark for quite a while. I have tried to light lamps that have fizzled, so I have focused on that end of the tunnel without knowing if I could even get there. It’s time to focus on where I am instead of just where I could be. Let me improve me so I can move forward more efficiently. Maybe that will bring the tunnel to an end faster, or maybe I will find that the tunnel is a figment of my imagination after all and I am already out in the real world with a thousand paths waiting for me to choose from. Let me squash the bug of hopelessness.